ISTP – ESFJ Relationship

ISTP - ESFJ Relationship

Joys and Struggles

This section ISTP - ESFJ relationship is about how these two personality types come together in a relationship. Specifically, we will be looking at the joys of this relationship as well as the struggles this relationship may have.

The ISTP - ESFJ relationship has 3 preference similarities and 1 preference difference. Regardless of the number of similarities and differences, each personality combination will have its unique set of challenges. We will look at each of the 4 preferences individually:

Extroversion-Introversion

JoysStruggles
  • Are attracted by each other’s difference in energy levels. Extroverts appreciate the calm and steady demeanor of the Introvert, while Introverts enjoy the hearty and bubbly Extrovert.
  • Extrovert enjoys that there is an active listening ear in the Introvert, always ready to listen to his thoughts and rants.
  • Introvert enjoys that the Extrovert takes social leadership in most occasions, connecting them to new friends and people that they otherwise would be too shy to approach.
  • Extroverts, however, may find that the Introvert is too quiet and communicates too little with nothing to share. They may feel Introverts are boring, or just disinterested in talking to them.
  • Introverts may find that Extroverts are too loud and talk too much without listening to them. An Introvert may feel neglected and unheard by Extroverts because they will only share if asked – and Extroverts usually don’t ask.
  • On the weekends, Extroverts enjoy heading out for social activities or other high stimulation activities to relax while Introverts prefer staying home or at the most have some quiet activity with close friends. This difference in preference will sometimes lead to dissatisfaction.

Sensing-Sensing

JoysStruggles
  • Will likely enjoy similar topics in conversation, mainly about past and present happenings related to, people they’ve met, places they’ve been, experiences they seen.
  • Both like language simple, straightforward and literal; will likely ‘click’ with each other.
  • Because both tend to live in the present, household duties are less likely to be neglected. However the more passive ones may still not perform them.
  • Although both enjoy Sensory details, the couple may disagree on specifics in the household: i.e. what colour should the wall be, where should the vase be placed.
  • In times of crises, both partners tend to over-worry or think up worst case scenarios, which is unproductive and sometimes cause destructive conflict between the couple.
  • In such cases, they may lack the future looking vision that will help them through the crisis.

Thinking-Feeling

JoysStruggles
  • Thinker will be attracted to the Feeler’s compassion and warmth toward Thinker and others, which Thinker may find lacking in self.
  • Feeler is attracted to the objective, tough-minded Thinker who can take and give criticism without taking offense.
  • The Thinker-Feeler partnership will provide all rounded perspectives, considering people, values and logical consequences when making important decisions.
  • Thinkers may hurt Feelers with their straightforward and sometimes tactless words; Feelers tend to take words personally; so when the Thinker provides negative feedback, it always evokes a larger than expected reaction from the Feeler.
  • Thinkers may not understand the Feeler’s desire for harmony and hence avoidance of conflict. Thinkers often misinterpret Feeler’s behavior and deem them complicated.
  • Feelers also tend to show affection much more naturally and sometimes they may feel their Thinking counterparts don’t show enough of it; they may feel unfulfilled in the relationship.

Judging-Perceiving

JoysStruggles
  • Judgers enjoy making decisions for the relationship while Perceivers are happy just to let Judgers do so. Perceivers are happy to go with the flow according to the Judger’s opinions, and they are generally okay with most casual decisions.
  • Because of their organized and scheduled nature, Judgers bring a stability and order to the otherwise messy and spontaneous lives of Perceivers – something that the Perceivers greatly appreciate.
  • Perceivers, on the other hand, help Judgers to lighten up and see the fun side of life, bidding them to be less serious and uptight about everything – something that the Judgers know they need a reminder of.
  • However, Judgers find Perceivers to be too passive and casual with their indecisiveness – Sometimes this gets on the nerves of Judgers.
  • Perceivers may find Judgers’  to be too controlling at times; they often react by pushing back because they find it too stifling to their desire for freedom.
  • Judgers find that Perceivers care little about household organization, something which they value highly. Perceivers are likely to mess up the house because they don’t like to keep things neat and orderly (at least in the Judger’s eyes) – this of course drives Judgers crazy.
  • Judgers may also find the Perceiver’s lack of planning and scheduling to be irritating; they may try to organize the Perceiver’s life as a result – this of course, is a mistake and something that Perceivers do not always appreciate.

 

Here’s how ISTPs and ESFJs can relate to each other better:

Reaching out to the ISTP as an ESFJ
  • Give time to share – Your partner is a person of few words. Ask him/her questions and listen patiently for answers. Don’t interrupt or talk over the silence. 
  • Be objective and factual – When explaining something to your partner, be objective and factual. Don’t use emotion or personal values to influence him/her – it likely won’t work. 
  • Give freedom – Your partner wants the freedom of choice and independence to run his/her affairs. Avoid trying to manage your partner’s life by telling him/her what is right or wrong. 
  • Expect changes – Expect changes in schedules and plans from your partner – many times he/she may not even inform you. Be patient with him/her as this may get on your nerves. 
  • Let your partner be alone – Your partner works best alone. Give him/her sufficient time in solitude – your partner enjoys the alone time and is most productive when not interrupted.
Reaching out to the ESFJ as an ISTP
  • Share your thoughts – Be open about your thoughts and feelings, especially with regards to your needs in the partnership. 
  • Remember important dates – Observe important dates and holidays. Try to plan ahead, so you will be prepared with a thoughtful and appropriate gift for these meaningful occasions. 
  • Give feedback with love – Focus on the positive whenever you are asked to share your opinions. Ensure that critical feedback is always given gently and lovingly. 
  • Offer a helping hand – Appreciate the many ways your partner keeps things running smoothly. Say thank you and ask if there is anything you can do to help your partner. 
  • Turn up for the social events – Accompany your partner for as many social events as you can. But if you’re genuinely too tired to go, let your partner know so they won’t take it personally.

This is a summary of the joys and pains of the ISTP – ESFJ relationship.

However, personality dynamics are more complex than this. It does not just extend to the difference or similarity in individual preferences but goes deeper than that.