INTJ – ESFP Relationship

Joys and Struggles

This section INTJ - ESFP relationship is about how these two personality types come together in a relationship. Specifically, we will be looking at the joys of this relationship as well as the struggles this relationship may have.

The INTJ - ESFP relationship has 0 preference similarities and 4 preference differences. Regardless of the number of similarities and differences, each personality combination will have its unique set of challenges. We will look at each of the 4 preferences individually:

Extroversion-Introversion

JoysStruggles
  • Are attracted by each other’s difference in energy levels. Extroverts appreciate the calm and steady demeanor of the Introvert, while Introverts enjoy the hearty and bubbly Extrovert.
  • Extrovert enjoys that there is an active listening ear in the Introvert, always ready to listen to his thoughts and rants.
  • Introvert enjoys that the Extrovert takes social leadership in most occasions, connecting them to new friends and people that they otherwise would be too shy to approach.
  • Extroverts, however, may find that the Introvert is too quiet and communicates too little with nothing to share. They may feel Introverts are boring, or just disinterested in talking to them.
  • Introverts may find that Extroverts are too loud and talk too much without listening to them. An Introvert may feel neglected and unheard by Extroverts because they will only share if asked – and Extroverts usually don’t ask.
  • On the weekends, Extroverts enjoy heading out for social activities or other high stimulation activities to relax while Introverts prefer staying home or at the most have some quiet activity with close friends. This difference in preference will sometimes lead to dissatisfaction.

Thinking-Feeling

JoysStruggles
  • Thinker will be attracted to the Feeler’s compassion and warmth toward Thinker and others, which Thinker may find lacking in self.
  • Feeler is attracted to the objective, tough-minded Thinker who can take and give criticism without taking offense.
  • The Thinker-Feeler partnership will provide all rounded perspectives, considering people, values and logical consequences when making important decisions.
  • Thinkers may hurt Feelers with their straightforward and sometimes tactless words; Feelers tend to take words personally; so when the Thinker provides negative feedback, it always evokes a larger than expected reaction from the Feeler.
  • Thinkers may not understand the Feeler’s desire for harmony and hence avoidance of conflict. Thinkers often misinterpret Feeler’s behavior and deem them complicated.
  • Feelers also tend to show affection much more naturally and sometimes they may feel their Thinking counterparts don’t show enough of it; they may feel unfulfilled in the relationship.

 

Judging-Perceiving

JoysStruggles
  • Judgers enjoy making decisions for the relationship while Perceivers are happy just to let Judgers do so. Perceivers are happy to go with the flow according to the Judger’s opinions, and they are generally okay with most casual decisions.
  • Because of their organized and scheduled nature, Judgers bring a stability and order to the otherwise messy and spontaneous lives of Perceivers – something that the Perceivers greatly appreciate.
  • Perceivers, on the other hand, help Judgers to lighten up and see the fun side of life, bidding them to be less serious and uptight about everything – something that the Judgers know they need a reminder of.
  • However, Judgers find Perceivers to be too passive and casual with their indecisiveness – Sometimes this gets on the nerves of Judgers.
  • Perceivers may find Judgers’  to be too controlling at times; they often react by pushing back because they find it too stifling to their desire for freedom.
  • Judgers find that Perceivers care little about household organization, something which they value highly. Perceivers are likely to mess up the house because they don’t like to keep things neat and orderly (at least in the Judger’s eyes) – this of course drives Judgers crazy.
  • Judgers may also find the Perceiver’s lack of planning and scheduling to be irritating; they may try to organize the Perceiver’s life as a result – this of course, is a mistake and something that Perceivers do not always appreciate.

 

Here’s how INTJs and ISTPs can relate to each other better:

Reaching out to the INTJ as an ESFP
  • Keep your promises – Try to commit to a plan of action and not make sudden changes or back out at the very last minute. Keep your promises. 
  • Listen respectfully – Do not interrupt or finish your partner’s sentences. Listen respectfully and attentively whenever your partner speaks. 
  • Be calm and clear – In times of argument, present your thoughts logically to your partner. Try not to be overly emotional or repeat yourself with excessive detail. 
  • Give your partner alone time – Allow your partner to retreat into solitude to relax and unwind, especially after a busy day. 
  • Never tease your partner in public – Don’t tease your partner especially when it comes to his/her knowledge or competence. When you undermine your partner’s competence, you might get an unexpectedly violent reaction.
Reaching out to the ESFP as an INTJ
  • Speak up – Your partner may mistake your silence for judgement or disapproval. Speak your mind openly to clear any doubt or misunderstanding. 
  • Make it plain – Your partner may be confused by big words, puns or metaphors. Keep your language plain and simple; and don’t expect your partner to read between the lines, 
  • Make it fun – Although it is not in your nature to have social activities, connect with your partner by doing fun social activities together. Be affirming and encouraging When you are giving your thoughts, refrain from being critical or too frank. Keep it tactful, affirming and encouraging. 
  • Be open to change – Your partner may make changes to schedule, deadlines and plans often. Be patient with your partner as it is likely to get on your nerves.

This is a summary of the joys and pains of the INTJ – ESFP relationship.

However, personality dynamics are more complex than this. It does not just extend to the difference or similarity in individual preferences but goes deeper than that.