ESTP – ESFJ Relationship

ESTP - ESFJ Relationship

Joys and Struggles

This section ESTP - ESFJ relationship is about how these two personality types come together in a relationship. Specifically, we will be looking at the joys of this relationship as well as the struggles this relationship may have.

The ESTP - ESFJ relationship has 2 preference similarities and 2 preference differences. Regardless of the number of similarities and differences, each personality combination will have its unique set of challenges. We will look at each of the 4 preferences individually:


  • Because both parties enjoy people, they are likely to go for many socializing activities and parties together.
  • They will likely enjoy each other’s energy and zest for life and have many fun activities and adventures together.
  • Because of their love for people and socializing, they are likely to have a large network around them, supporting and mediating for the couple in time of need.
  • Because both love to speak, (not so much listen), they may try to compete for air time when conversing with one another. So instead of listening, they may out talk each other in order to be heard.
  • Hence, they may not feel fulfilled, especially if one party is always doing the talking and the other doing the listening.
  • One party may turn to outside friends to fill that desire to speak and be heard, and in bad cases, it may lead to extra-marital affair.


  • Will likely enjoy similar topics in conversation, mainly about past and present happenings related to, people they’ve met, places they’ve been, experiences they seen.
  • Both like language simple, straightforward and literal; will likely ‘click’ with each other.
  • Because both tend to live in the present, household duties are less likely to be neglected. However the more passive ones may still not perform them.
  • Although both enjoy Sensory details, the couple may disagree on specifics in the household: i.e. what colour should the wall be, where should the vase be placed.
  • In times of crises, both partners tend to over-worry or think up worst case scenarios, which is unproductive and sometimes cause destructive conflict between the couple.
  • In such cases, they may lack the future looking vision that will help them through the crisis.


  • Thinker will be attracted to the Feeler’s compassion and warmth toward Thinker and others, which Thinker may find lacking in self.
  • Feeler is attracted to the objective, tough-minded Thinker who can take and give criticism without taking offense.
  • The Thinker-Feeler partnership will provide all rounded perspectives, considering people, values and logical consequences when making important decisions.
  • Thinkers may hurt Feelers with their straightforward and sometimes tactless words; Feelers tend to take words personally; so when the Thinker provides negative feedback, it always evokes a larger than expected reaction from the Feeler.
  • Thinkers may not understand the Feeler’s desire for harmony and hence avoidance of conflict. Thinkers often misinterpret Feeler’s behavior and deem them complicated.
  • Feelers also tend to show affection much more naturally and sometimes they may feel their Thinking counterparts don’t show enough of it; they may feel unfulfilled in the relationship.


  • Judgers enjoy making decisions for the relationship while Perceivers are happy just to let Judgers do so. Perceivers are happy to go with the flow according to the Judger’s opinions, and they are generally okay with most casual decisions.
  • Because of their organized and scheduled nature, Judgers bring a stability and order to the otherwise messy and spontaneous lives of Perceivers – something that the Perceivers greatly appreciate.
  • Perceivers, on the other hand, help Judgers to lighten up and see the fun side of life, bidding them to be less serious and uptight about everything – something that the Judgers know they need a reminder of.
  • However, Judgers find Perceivers to be too passive and casual with their indecisiveness – Sometimes this gets on the nerves of Judgers.
  • Perceivers may find Judgers’  to be too controlling at times; they often react by pushing back because they find it too stifling to their desire for freedom.
  • Judgers find that Perceivers care little about household organization, something which they value highly. Perceivers are likely to mess up the house because they don’t like to keep things neat and orderly (at least in the Judger’s eyes) – this of course drives Judgers crazy.
  • Judgers may also find the Perceiver’s lack of planning and scheduling to be irritating; they may try to organize the Perceiver’s life as a result – this of course, is a mistake and something that Perceivers do not always appreciate.


Here’s how ESTPs and ESFJs can relate to each other better:

Reaching out to the ESTP as an ESFJ
  • Give each other airtime – Both of you love to chat in the social or work setting. Give each time uninterrupted airtime and don’t interject. 
  • Don’t try to be too serious – Your partner enjoys light-hearted and jovial atmospheres. There’s no need to be serious with your partner – in fact he/she works best in a casual setting. 
  • Avoid micro-managing them – Your partner wants the independence to run his/her life or work. Don’t micromanage your partner for he/she will resist you for doing so. 
  • Don’t take it personally – Your partner may say things occasionally that is offensive or insensitive. Don’t take it personally – it is often said in jest and your partner probably does not mean to offend. 
  • Expect changes from them – Your partner lives a life of spontaneity and change. Expect him/her to make changes to schedules and plans even before telling you. Be patient.
Reaching out to the ESFJ as an ESTP
  • Give equal airtime – If you are dominating a conversation, ask your partner a question to give him/her attention and let your partner speak too. 
  • Act more serious at work – Your playfulness may get on your partner’s nerves, especially at work when he/she thinks its time to be serious. Tone down the fun a little while you’re working. 
  • Be tactful – Your partner may find your words offensive or careless at times. Learn to be tactful around your partner and use more positive words. Acknowledge the work where possible. 
  • Come to a conclusion – Don’t keep things in the air. Try to settle things with deadlines, schedules or decisions so that your partner can get closure. 
  • Give your partner time to adjust – Unlike you, your partner needs time to adjust to changes. Don’t expect your partner to be as flexible or adaptable as you.

This is a summary of the joys and pains of the ESTP – ESFJ relationship.

However, personality dynamics are more complex than this. It does not just extend to the difference or similarity in individual preferences but goes deeper than that.