ESTJ – ESFJ Relationship

ESTJ - ESFJ Relationship

Joys and Struggles

This section ESTJ - ESFJ relationship is about how these two personality types come together in a relationship. Specifically, we will be looking at the joys of this relationship as well as the struggles this relationship may have.

The ESTJ - ESFJ relationship has 3 preference similarities and 1 preference differences. Regardless of the number of similarities and differences, each personality combination will have its unique set of challenges. We will look at each of the 4 preferences individually:


  • Because both parties enjoy people, they are likely to go for many socializing activities and parties together.
  • They will likely enjoy each other’s energy and zest for life and have many fun activities and adventures together.
  • Because of their love for people and socializing, they are likely to have a large network around them, supporting and mediating for the couple in time of need.
  • Because both love to speak, (not so much listen), they may try to compete for air time when conversing with one another. So instead of listening, they may out talk each other in order to be heard.
  • Hence, they may not feel fulfilled, especially if one party is always doing the talking and the other doing the listening.
  • One party may turn to outside friends to fill that desire to speak and be heard, and in bad cases, it may lead to extra-marital affair.


  • Will likely enjoy similar topics in conversation, mainly about past and present happenings related to, people they’ve met, places they’ve been, experiences they seen.
  • Both like language simple, straightforward and literal; will likely ‘click’ with each other.
  • Because both tend to live in the present, household duties are less likely to be neglected. However the more passive ones may still not perform them.
  • Although both enjoy Sensory details, the couple may disagree on specifics in the household: i.e. what colour should the wall be, where should the vase be placed.
  • In times of crises, both partners tend to over-worry or think up worst case scenarios, which is unproductive and sometimes cause destructive conflict between the couple.
  • In such cases, they may lack the future looking vision that will help them through the crisis.


  • Thinker will be attracted to the Feeler’s compassion and warmth toward Thinker and others, which Thinker may find lacking in self.
  • Feeler is attracted to the objective, tough-minded Thinker who can take and give criticism without taking offense.
  • The Thinker-Feeler partnership will provide all rounded perspectives, considering people, values and logical consequences when making important decisions.
  • Thinkers may hurt Feelers with their straightforward and sometimes tactless words; Feelers tend to take words personally; so when the Thinker provides negative feedback, it always evokes a larger than expected reaction from the Feeler.
  • Thinkers may not understand the Feeler’s desire for harmony and hence avoidance of conflict. Thinkers often misinterpret Feeler’s behavior and deem them complicated.
  • Feelers also tend to show affection much more naturally and sometimes they may feel their Thinking counterparts don’t show enough of it; they may feel unfulfilled in the relationship.


  • Because both value organization, they are likely to have a neat and tidy household with clear rules and standards, something which both parties will prefer.
  • They are likely also to plan their schedules with each other, with little or no issue with unnecessary last minute changes.
  • They will also appreciate their partner’s ability to keep up with the demands of everyday living and stay on top.
  • They will likely be strong together with budgeting, there will be little or no issues with planning out finances together.
  • Even though both parties may have standards in the household, they may have very different standards.
  • Because both tend to be opinionated, their arguments and quarrels may be more intense. Both may refuse to budge on their standards and compromise.
  • Both parties like to settle things; this means that sometimes they may make premature decisions without sufficiently considering their alternative options.


Here’s how ESTJs and ESFJs can relate to each other better:

Reaching out to the ESTJ as an ESFJ
  • Give each other the airtime – Your partner is just as opinionated as you are. Give each other uninterrupted airtime to speak. Don’t interject. 
  • Agree to disagree – Because both of you might be rather stubborn in holding your opinion, sometimes it is better to agree to disagree and find an alternative way forward.  
  • Don’t expect your partner to deal with your emotions – Your partner is a person of logic. He/she won’t be able to grasp your emotions, much less deal with it. Don’t expect your partner to do so. 
  • Don’t take critique personally – Your partner is straightforward in his criticism. Don’t take it personally – it often has to do with the issue more than the person. 
  • Be direct and to the point – You may hide your emotions at times because you don’t want to cause conflict. Be direct and to the point about how you feel. Speak plainly so your partner can understand.
Reaching out to the ESFJ as an ESTJ
  • Give each other time to talk – Your partner might be opinionated as you. Give each other time to talk without interruption. 
  • Allow space for your partner to run things – Don’t step into your partner’s territory and dictate how your partner should run things. Give the broad objective and let your partner figure out the best way. 
  • Be affirming and encouraging – Your words may be misconstrued as insensitive or offensive at times. Adopt an affirming and encouraging way of saying something. 
  • Give time to adjust – If change is necessary, then give your partner time and space to make adjustments. Change is uncomfortable for your partner. 
  • Support your partner’s emotions – Your partner may come to you to complain about a certain wrong or injustice. Don’t be too quick to solve the problem or point out why your partner is wrong, but support your partner emotionally first.

This is a summary of the joys and pains of the ESTJ – ESFJ relationship.

However, personality dynamics are more complex than this. It does not just extend to the difference or similarity in individual preferences but goes deeper than that.