ESFP - ESTJ Relationship

ESFP - ESTJ Relationship

Joys and Struggles

This section ESFP - ESTJ relationship is about how these two personality types come together in a relationship. Specifically, we will be looking at the joys of this relationship as well as the struggles this relationship may have.

The ESFP - ESTJ relationship has 2 preference similarities and 2 preference differences. Regardless of the number of similarities and differences, each personality combination will have its unique set of challenges. We will look at each of the 4 preferences individually:


  • Because both parties enjoy people, they are likely to go for many socializing activities and parties together.
  • They will likely enjoy each other’s energy and zest for life and have many fun activities and adventures together.
  • Because of their love for people and socializing, they are likely to have a large network around them, supporting and mediating for the couple in time of need.
  • Because both love to speak, (not so much listen), they may try to compete for air time when conversing with one another. So instead of listening, they may out talk each other in order to be heard.
  • Hence, they may not feel fulfilled, especially if one party is always doing the talking and the other doing the listening.
  • One party may turn to outside friends to fill that desire to speak and be heard, and in bad cases, it may lead to extra-marital affair.


  • Will likely enjoy similar topics in conversation, mainly about past and present happenings related to, people they’ve met, places they’ve been, experiences they seen.
  • Both like language simple, straightforward and literal; will likely ‘click’ with each other.
  • Because both tend to live in the present, household duties are less likely to be neglected. However the more passive ones may still not perform them.
  • Although both enjoy Sensory details, the couple may disagree on specifics in the household: i.e. what colour should the wall be, where should the vase be placed.
  • In times of crises, both partners tend to over-worry or think up worst case scenarios, which is unproductive and sometimes cause destructive conflict between the couple.
  • In such cases, they may lack the future looking vision that will help them through the crisis.


This is a summary of the joys and pains of the ESFP-ESTJ relationship.

  • Thinker will be attracted to the Feeler’s compassion and warmth toward Thinker and others, which Thinker may find lacking in self.
  • Feeler is attracted to the objective, tough-minded Thinker who can take and give criticism without taking offense.
  • The Thinker-Feeler partnership will provide all rounded perspectives, considering people, values and logical consequences when making important decisions.
  • Thinkers may hurt Feelers with their straightforward and sometimes tactless words; Feelers tend to take words personally; so when the Thinker provides negative feedback, it always evokes a larger than expected reaction from the Feeler.
  • Thinkers may not understand the Feeler’s desire for harmony and hence avoidance of conflict. Thinkers often misinterpret Feeler’s behavior and deem them complicated.
  • Feelers also tend to show affection much more naturally and sometimes they may feel their Thinking counterparts don’t show enough of it; they may feel unfulfilled in the relationship.


  • Judgers enjoy making decisions for the relationship while Perceivers are happy just to let Judgers do so. Perceivers are happy to go with the flow according to the Judger’s opinions, and they are generally okay with most casual decisions.
  • Because of their organized and scheduled nature, Judgers bring a stability and order to the otherwise messy and spontaneous lives of Perceivers – something that the Perceivers greatly appreciate.
  • Perceivers, on the other hand, help Judgers to lighten up and see the fun side of life, bidding them to be less serious and uptight about everything – something that the Judgers know they need a reminder of.
  • However, Judgers find Perceivers to be too passive and casual with their indecisiveness – Sometimes this gets on the nerves of Judgers.
  • Perceivers may find Judgers’  to be too controlling at times; they often react by pushing back because they find it too stifling to their desire for freedom.
  • Judgers find that Perceivers care little about household organization, something which they value highly. Perceivers are likely to mess up the house because they don’t like to keep things neat and orderly (at least in the Judger’s eyes) – this of course drives Judgers crazy.
  • Judgers may also find the Perceiver’s lack of planning and scheduling to be irritating; they may try to organize the Perceiver’s life as a result – this of course, is a mistake and something that Perceivers do not always appreciate.

Here’s how ESFPs and ESTJs can relate to each other better:

Reaching out to the ESFP as an ESTJ
  • Invite them to speak – You may unintentionally dominate a work conversation. Invite your partner to give input by asking him/her questions. 
  • Don’t be too serious – Your partner thrives in an environment of light-heartedness and find him/herself most productive when things are easy and casual. Don’t be too serious with your partner – it works against you. 
  • Be affirming and enthusiastic – Adopt an affirming and enthusiastic way of expressing yourself to your partner. Avoid being critical or insensitive. 
  • Expect changes – Expect changes in schedules and plans from your partner. Sometimes, your partner won’t even inform you. Be patient as it is likely to happen a few times. 
  • Avoid micro-managing – You can tell your partner what you want to achieve, but you have to leave the ‘how-to’ to your partner. Give him/her the independence to figure it out.
Reaching out to the ESTJ as an ESFP
  • Follow through on what you say you’ll do – Few things are as maddening to your partner as having people fail to show up when they promised. Do not make promises to your partner lightly, and be serious about commitments.  
  • Express your concerns calmly and clearly – Try not to be overly emotional when you address issues with your partner. If you do so, they will not be able to comprehend your frustrations fully. Learn to be calm and clear. 
  • Respect their need to keep life predictable – Your partner has a strong need for stability and thrives in structure. Try not to spring surprises on him/her because it honestly causes more distress than comfort. 
  • Be responsible for your belongings – Your partner is likely to be frustrated by like chaos and clutter. He/she is also very careful when it comes to budgeting. Manage your finances well, pick up after yourself and put things back when you’ve finished using them. 
  • Intentionally prioritise your partner over others – You can unknowingly neglect your partner’s needs while fulfilling your multiple social commitments. Be sure to take extra care in keeping up with his/her life.

This is a summary of the joys and pains of the ESFP – ESTJ relationship.

However, personality dynamics are more complex than this. It does not just extend to the difference or similarity in individual preferences but goes deeper than that.