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Independent, solitary and brilliant, the INTPs live primarily in their mind in a world full of imagination, ideas and insights. Not the most attuned to relationships and people, INTPs typically wait for others to make the social initiative, but once the connection has been made, they are open and willing to share.
INTPs are not people who will proactively pursue or find a partner. They find the social game to be pointless and sometimes a little too complex. They rather their potential spouse show clear signs of interest before they reciprocate. Living mostly in their mind, they find conversation with people about material things or daily happenings to be mundane and pointless. As such, they’re not the most relatable people in social settings.
While that may be the case, INTPs are not frivolous when it comes to choosing a partner. They are serious, committed and don’t take love lightly. They are simple people and don’t like extravagant shows of love or overtly affectionate actions. A simple gesture of thanks or a treat for dinner is good enough for them.
Being simple in the area of love relationships, INTPs find it hard to understand when their partners (especially Feeling types) display unhappiness through subtle actions or passive-aggressive behaviours. They don’t get why people need to be so complex. ‘If you’re not happy, just tell me, and I’ll make adjustments’ – that’s their mantra. Partners who insist on playing the emotional game may frustrate the INTP, and possibly cause the INTP to move on from the relationship. The truth is, INTPs want to fulfil their partner’s needs as much as possible, and if they’re not doing it right, they want their partners to state it plainly.
They approach their lives with a sceptical mindset – questioning the way things are done and pointing out loopholes or flaws in existing systems. This works well when they’re coming up with new theories or frameworks for work, but not in the world of relationships. When their partner suggests a new idea, the instinct of the INTP would be to challenge them. This comes across as being adversarial and leaves partners feeling unloved. INTPs would do better to keep this side of theirs only for important decisions in the relationship.
INTPs like direct communication. They are straightforward with their words and don’t see a need for ‘colour’ their words to make them more palatable. If they spot something wrong, they will point it out in a matter-of-fact manner. This comes across as a personal attack on partners who are more sensitive to negative feedback. However, INTPs can receive negative feedback without feeling slighted or offended. Often, they are willing to listen and make adjustments if their partners put across a logical point. The problem is, love relationships don’t deal with the logical, but the emotional.
INTPs tend to be more resistant to relationships because they’re afraid their partners will stifle them by setting expectations or standards of behaviours. INTPs fiercely guard their independence and freedom to be alone, and any feeling they get from their partners about changing their behaviours to be more ‘engaged’ or more ‘chatty’ makes them feel suffocated. If the relationship gets too stifling, they have been known to move on from it to get back their independence.
Because they live in their heads so much, INTPs tend to be weak at the upkeeping of the household or the management of money. They forget their roles and be absent-minded when it comes to chores like paying the bills, buying groceries or budgeting. These things are mundane to them and bore them after a while. Partners of the INTP usually take up these roles in the household.
|Here are the joys of being with an INTP in love...|
|Here are the challenges of being with an INTP in love...|
To grow in your ability to love and care for your partner, here are some things you can do:
Give mind to the mundane
You enjoy the world of ideas. With your rich imagination, you often come up with creative ideas to solve problems. In that, you are almost unrivalled when compared to other personality types. However, in love, know that this trait can frustrate your partner who feels you are always in your world, not caring about reality.
Give mind to everyday life. Show your concern to your partner by taking care of the bills once in a while, buying a thoughtful gift or think of date ideas with them. You don’t have to spend all your mind on it, just put in some thought something to show your partner you love him/her.
Don’t debate with your partner
You enjoy intellectual discourse or discussions which often revolve around complex issues. Please be aware that your partner is likely not as interested as you. They likely find conversations about such things to be pointless or unproductive.
Be aware of that. Your partner is happy to have such conversations with you occasionally, but they are likely only able to stay interested for a short while. It might be better to find other peers whom can have this type of conversations with you.
Follow through on your words
You tend to procrastinate on the mundane tasks. You may make promises to get your partner off your back. When you don’t follow through, however, you cause your partner to be frustrated or angry with you. They might end up nagging on you – which is something you hate.
Create a system for yourself to follow through. Put it on your to-do list, or use a Post-it note. These aids will help you, especially when you get lost in your world of ideas and imagination.
Here’s what you should watch out for when you are dating or married to an INTP partner.
Be ready to discuss ideas
INTPs hate small talk and gossip. They aren’t interested in other people’s lives. However, they get very engaged when you start delving into new ideas or talking about the macro stuff like economics, politics, science and technology. If you want to engage them, talk about these things.
Give them sufficient personal space
INTPs need space. Lots of it. They want their alone time. Give the space to them, and you can always come back to them later on. You’ll find them more energised and more willing to engage you. However, if they’ve spent too much time socialising, they want to withdraw into their cave. Don’t worry about this: they’ll be back once they’ve ‘rested’.
Say it as it is
INTPs are simple lovers. They don’t get subtle language or passive-aggressive behaviours. If you need something, tell them straight. If you’re not comfortable with something, tell them straight too. INTPs are happy to make adjustments – and you’ll get what you want faster if you be straightforward with them.
Plan things for them
If you’re expecting the INTP to plan the dates or follow schedules, you’ll be disappointed. They might do it once in a while to please you, but you’ll always end up being the one doing the planning. INTPs want to live in their heads, so appreciate a partner who settles the mundane for them. It’ll be most helpful if you’re already naturally a planner type.
Although we should never discount a person as a potential partner because of his/her personality type, type theory offers a good idea about which types might suit INTPs better.
According to theory, the ENFJ or the ENTJ probably form the best partnership with the INTPs. They both prefer Intuition (N), which makes communication more straightforward and less chance for misunderstanding. The assertive and planned ENFJs or ENTJs are a great match for the introverted and spontaneous INTPs.