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ENFJs are energetic, compassionate and make wonderful partners. They value their love relationships highly, seeking to have long-term committed ones over short term flings.
ENFJs put their partners before themselves. They will go all out to meet their partner’s emotional and practical needs. As long as their partners are happy, ENFJs feel happy and fulfiled. This wonderful quality of the ENFJ means that their partners always feel protected and well cared for. However, ENFJs have to watch out for their own needs and assert them if necessary. If not, the relationship might end up becoming lopsided with the ENFJ doing all the giving and their partners doing all the taking.
ENFJs understand human nature well. Being so, they are quickly to note when their partner’s don’t feel well emotionally or are experiencing a down period. They are then quick to show compassion and empathy, help their partners see through the problem by encouragement or affrimation.
Besides being good listeners, ENFJs are good at expressing their passionate thoughts and emotions accurately too. They make good persuasive speeches and often get their way because of their strong ability to influence through the spoken word. Partners often admire this trait of the ENFJ – confidence and poise.
This expression of self comes to a roadblock when the ENFJ knows that the asserting of their needs may cause a conflict. Make no mistake, ENFJs are principled and opinionated. They have a strong idea of right and wrong. However, to avoid conflict, they may put aside these principles, suppress their unhappiness in order to preserve the harmony in the relationship. Their unsuspecting partners may think that everything is going fine, whereas a lot is brewing under the surface. This isn’t healthy, because one day the ENFJ will simply explode in a torrent of emotions and even say things that they might regret later.
ENFJs are also highly sensitive to criticism. A well-meaning partner who points out a fault may be intepreted in the worst light by the ENFJ. For example, if their partner points out to them that they have been too suffocating in their care, ENFJs might intepret it as ‘you don’t love me’, or ‘I’m not good enough as a person.’ It’s an oversensitive response to an otherwise objective feedback.
ENFJs are big lovers who enjoy big expressions of love. They enjoy anything from a big bouquet of flowers, or an elegant dinner with a good friends. However, the most important thing behind all these is the thought. Whether gifts or parties, ENFJs want to know that their partners put considerable thought into it. Verbal strokes are appreciated too.
Although they have ‘higher’ concerns, their desire to put their relationship first will cause them to be highly responsible in the household. They will ensure chores like paying the bills, taking care of the children and buying groceries are done properly. While they may not fixated their mind on saving a few dollars, but they will have a well-thought out budget that considers both short-term needs and long-term goals.
|Here are the joys of being with an ENFJ in love...|
|Here are the challenges of being with an ENFJ in love...|
To grow in your ability to love and care for your partner, here are some things you can do:
See conflict as part of any relationship
Conflict is a necessary for partners to negotiate their needs with each other. It is the process for you and your partner to learn about each other. So rather than seeing conflict endangering a relationship, see it as a trust building growth process. Mature people use conflict as a way to learn compromise, so don’t avoid it. If you do, you’re deny your relationship a chance to grow and develop.
Assert your own needs
Similar to above, you need to assert your needs. You’re always meeting your partner’s needs ahead of your own, and secretly, you probably hope your partner will reciprocate. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. If they don’t, you have to say it. There’s no use suppressing the needs because it’s going to cause a split in the relationship anyway.
Start by making it a habit to state your needs. It’s uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier after a while.
Be careful not to suffocate your partner
Your desire to create the perfect relationship may cause you to be overprotective or even manipulative. Your intentions are pure; you want to protect and care for your partner. But what you may not realize is who it’s coming across. Your partner may feel suffocated and in the worst case, initiate a breakup just so they can ‘breathe’.
Give space. Resist the temptation to mother your partner. It will make for a healthy relationship of equals – and in the end, both of you will be happier too.
Here’s what you should watch out for when you are dating or married to an ENFJ partner.
Express your appreciation
ENFJs serve and care for your needs so well, but appear that they don’t need affirmation. The truth is, they really enjoy knowing that you appreciate their effort and thoughtful acts. Remind them again and again that the things they do matter a lot to you and that you love them for that.
Meet their unspoken needs
ENFJs won’t tell you their needs readily. You actually have to be interested in them enough for them to reveal to you their needs or desires. This is because they don’t want to come across as demanding or unreasonable.
So ask them. Show genuine interest and listen patiently to their sharing. At first, ENFJs will brush off your appeal to meet their needs, but you just have to keep pressing for them to relent, and receive your act of love.
Be gentle with criticism
ENFJs are sensitive to negative feedback. They tend to overthink what you say and even extrapolate or exaggerate the meaning of your words. So, you have to take extra care about how you give criticism. Use the sandwich principle: start by praising and appreciating them first, and then delivering the negative feedback gently. Then, close off the conversation by saying how much you appreciate them.
Encourage their dreams
ENFJs have big and lofty dreams. Sometimes, they give up those dreams to make the relationship with you the best one possible. As their partner, you can encourage them to pursue their dreams, and assure them that you’ll walk with them to see it happen. ENFJs tend to be happiest when they can live an external life aligned with their values.
Although we should never discount a person as a potential partner because of his/her personality type, type theory offers a good idea about which types might suit ENFJs better.
According to theory, the INFP or the INTP probably form the best partnership with the ENFJs. They both prefer Intuition (N), which makes communication more straightforward and less chance for misunderstanding. The quiet and spontaneous INFPs or INTPs are a great match for the gregarious and planned ENFJs.
ENFJs, however, tend not to communicate honestly when they feel offended or slighted. They keep the offences inside to avoid conflict and prefer just to sweep it all away, hoping that the offenses will cure itself. Often this doesn’t happen; some other related event will become a trigger for an unexpected outburst of the ENFJ who has been harbouring certain negative emotions, who may use sharp, critical or sarcastic words to get back at their partners. ENFJs can learn to speak up and assert themselves if they feel offended or slighted so that their partners learn and adjust themselves too.
ENFJs idealise their relationships and will put a lot of effort into making the relationship the ideal one that they have conceived in their heads. Their desire for perfection may mean that they will constantly be striving for perfection and improvements. Sometimes, it may not work out because the ENFJ’s desire for perfection may turn into control and manipulation, which is highly suffocating for their partners.
As people who carry strong values about what’s right and wrong, ENFJs tend to be steadfast and expect their partners to respect and even adopt those values. To this end, they can be deemed as either firm and unyielding or stubborn and inflexible. ENFJs can do better if they adopt a third-party, objective point of view to look at situations to appreciate an opposing point of view, say from their partners.
ENFJs feel most loved when their partners appreciate them for their kindness and consideration for others, and also take the time to get to know their often deep and spiritual selves which may be complex and mysterious. Their partners can show these actions through writing love notes, speaking words of affirmation to them and spending quality time with the ENFJ to get to know them deeper.
The ENFJ’s primary concern is global issues and big ideas, not everyday mundane tasks. However, their desire to make the relationship a good one will cause them to be helpful in the household to take care of everyday tasks like household chores, paying the bills and buying the groceries. Although they are not too good with these routine activities, they do it to please their partners and to keep the household going.
ENFJs are good money managers. They plan their financials well enough to ensure that the future financial commitments of their relationships such as the housing loan, car loan and their children’s education are well met before they spend money on themselves.
According to Keirsey’s Temperament Theory, the ideal partner for the ENFJ is the INTP, whose calm, objective and spontaneous nature complement the INTP well in a relationship.